Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
