I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
