so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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