i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
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mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
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whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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