Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
