I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Randomize
