Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
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