I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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