if i died would you start the facebook group?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
