I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
