I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
