Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
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I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
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I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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