dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
