I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Your cock deserves a montage
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
