Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
