Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
