Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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