I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm like, not good at living.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
