I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
