maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
