please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
