hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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