Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
