His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I love you. Go after that dick
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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