your room smells of hookers.
And success
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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