And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
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He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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