toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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