I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I am one with the molecules
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
