guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
