She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
