I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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