Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
