Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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