Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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