Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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