u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
