I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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