and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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