We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
