So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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