Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
When did we convert life to cartoon?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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