i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
