Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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