I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
