well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
