I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
He had one of those small greek statue penises
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
