Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Found the puke drawer
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Randomize
