...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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