can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
