You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
