I feel like abortions should bother me more
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
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weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.