whjeg hajt iyt
wanna hang out?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
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he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
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At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.