Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
