i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
